Guest Post by Anonymous Trump Fan.
Greetings, dear Americans! As our new President appears and promises to change this system and make America great again, it’s time we look at one of the things he could do to really make America great, and it’s in his specialty, business.
Business has a guiding idea called Shareholder Value Maximization. It sounds fancy but it simply means that a business must create the maximum amount of value (in this case, stock prices) for its shareholders, who all have ownership of company stock and, therefore, own the company. This principle is the heart and soul of Management 101, so, why do none of the people in charge of the show give a damn about actually following it?
Allow me to explain. At present, U.S. businesses operate on a system of paying their CEOs and top executives extremely high salaries, bonuses and stock options, with their Board of Directors happily staying on their side and granting these executives higher and higher annual pay. At the same time, worker wages have remained near-static since the 1970s, and worse, many of their manufacturing jobs have been outsourced to other countries – maybe sent to Bangalore. The profits from outsourcing have gone not towards increasing share prices, but towards fat executive salaries.
Even worse, leaving U.S. workers poor and unemployed has made their neighborhoods poor as well. Workers buy goods and services from their local communities, and their purchases turn into the income for other people in their community, who in turn spend some of that money within their community, and so on. This means that the same amount of money gets spent over more than once amongst the folks at home in what economists call the ‘multiplier’ effect. From the 1950s to the 1970s, this ‘pay American – spend American’ system made American neighborhoods some of the richest and happiest in the world. Today, however, that money is likely to go abroad to foreign manufacturers of luxury goods where the fat cats do their shopping. And what about rising share prices to give value to their owners, their shareholders? Too bad, buddy, you ain’t seein’ any of that – now leave me in peace so I can buy the right $20,000 Armani Suit for my next business meeting! While you’re at it, pay the welfare for those workers whose jobs I just outsourced, ‘cause flipping burgers and stocking shelves ain’t helping them pay their bills. Oh, and the police too, because I can’t be bothered to pay the police to arrest the homeless unemployed workers I threw out when I outsourced their jobs too.
Rigged system? You bet. If you think that workers should be American, should be paid more to make their communities great again, and shareholders shouldn’t have to pay the indirect costs of welfare or policing, you’d be absolutely right. But what about those Chief Executives? They believe that they’re being really smart and work really hard, so much so that they deserve to be paid thousands of times more than the hardworking guy on the factory floor – something that any hardworking, honest American worker can tell you is bullshit – and since their salaries are arranged in cahoots with their Board of Directors, they don’t need to really work for it, or compete with anyone else for it. Time to change that!
I mentioned Bangalore earlier, the city where U.S. computer workers and call centers are “Bangalored” or outsourced (Bangalore is getting “Manila-d” by Manila in the Philippines, but hey, what goes around comes around). It’s a city full of smart, intelligent executives, people who know a thing or two about the art of the deal and about international business. They are people who are highly competitive and who will do a lot of work for a much less than what you’d have to pay a fat, lazy, greedy CEO in the States. Now, businesses go shopping for CEOs and keep paying each new guy more and more (the Board of Directors, again), and going by how most of these CEOs lay off people, outsource them, or generally muck things up, they’re not really smart at anything except looking after themselves and paying themselves a little too well. Outsource these guys to Bangalore.
Yep, you heard me right. Outsource these CEOs to Bangalore, and save yourselves hundreds of millions of dollars with which to increase worker salaries. What’s that, you said? A CEO ain’t no good outside the boardroom? Hell, with high-speed internet and videoconferencing, you don’t even need a CEO in the boardroom! You could do what the Indian Prime Minister, Narendra Modi did – come to meetings in a hologram! It worked like a charm for his election, after all, so why shouldn’t it work for anyone else? Go ahead, shareholders. Make your day. Maximize your value. Lobby President Trump to get your boards to fire those lazy, uncompetitive CEOs (“you’re fired”!). And then, replace them with Indian ones who are really smart and can be made to do more for much less, and who will stay under your control (much more efficient and effective, you see!). And use the remainder to pay yourselves and hardworking American workers more – you don’t have to worry about welfare or policing costs any longer, and all of America will be healthy, happy and great again!